Yesterday I was journaling and praying about a few things in my life that I needed to face and give to the Lord. One of those things was sin that I have become aware of lately. After I acknowledged that the sin was problematic and how it affects how I love the Lord and others, the obvious next step was to ask God to cleanse me of it, because I know there’s no way that I can get rid of it myself. (This brings up another question, too…how many times do we try to get rid of our sin without the Lord, but I digress.)
While I was thinking and writing that I needed the Lord to purge me of my sin, I realized how absolutely TERRIFYING it would be if He actually did take that struggle away.
I struggle with pride…I always feel the need to be the best at something. It could probably be anything, but the best, nonetheless. I want to be the smartest or the best cook or the most well-connected, etc. Sometimes I sum up the context to see if I’m the best at something, which is a terrible thing to do. Usually I don’t. This is a crappy way to be, regardless.
For God to take away my pride, in my mind at least, He could rip my life into shreds, take away the things that make me special, in my mind, until I have nothing to proud of. And there left would be a humble young lady with nothing to be proud of.
The process of purging is scary as can be. I’m still struggling to actually ask God to take away this sin because I know it’s likely going to be extremely painful when He answers my prayer.
I then learned something from my fear of being humbled. I doubt everyone is afraid of this like I am. And I’m probably not as afraid of some things God could give as others are. The thing that God could give us which scares us the most is probably reflective of our deepest struggle, our deepest gap that keeps us from Him.
If I ask Him to cleanse me, He is going to challenge me and break me down. And He is going to fill up that gap with Himself.
So I must ask Him to cleanse me and forgive me, and be unafraid of how He is going to break me and draw me closer to Him through that terrifying process.